BREAKING NEWZ: I Have Lost My Boner For Patrick Stump

I know, I know. I'm as shocked as you are. I've been carrying the torch for a while, but this balding butterball is really testing the limits of my attraction. Imagine my horror when these unflattering pictures of him were posted in a fan-compiled YouTube clip titled, yes, "Patrick: Young and Hatless Part 1":

Exhibit A



Exhibit B


Boxers and black socks? Really? Those are the doughiest mitties I have ever seen in my life! Where are you, Patrick? Are you on your grandmother's couch or something? Oh God, are you on the casting couch?? Is this how you've been landing all those acting jobs? WTF?

Please, please tell me that this is footage from last year's Halloween when you dressed up as George Costanza for a party. If so, then well done; you nailed his aesthetic perfectly.


Let me tell you, I'm taking this recent development kind of hard. I've been tossing and turning at night. My sunshine has been replaced with storm clouds. What can I do with this emptiness I feel? There is a Patrick Stump-sized hole in my heart (it's short and wide, trust me).

I guess I need to flip through the new issue of A.P. and find some other mallpunk prince to obsess about. Any suggestions?

Well, we had a good thing going there, Patrick. You, me, and my mind. I'll tell you what, if you throw on an argyle sweater and one of your eighteen dozen floppy hats, I might think about letting you back into our fantasy relationship. I didn't say I will, I said I MIGHT.

Are You There, Patrick? It's Me, Anna!

I was bored at work today and I decided to look up interviews with Patrick Stump, the lead singer of my favorite band. I ran across an old interview with him from some wonky random Web Site. I nearly fell out of my chair when I got to this bit:

Q. Have you ever met any of your influences?

A. Yeah, the weird thing is that I liked bands that lived down the street from me. The first time I met like Luke Skywalker, was their name, when I was 12. And they were my idol. That was like wow. I did get to meet some of them.

Ok, first of all, that's a typo. The name of the band was Luke Skawalker--ahem-- and it was my buddy Dave's band! I used to hang out with those kids all the time when I was in high school. Of all the bands he could've namechecked he chose Luke freakin' Skawalker? TOO FUNNY!

I wonder if we ever attended some of the same shows back in the day. Could you imagine? Me all snotty and 17 and Patrick all young and 12? I was re-reading the history of the band on their MySpace page and it is bringing back some fond, old memories.

In my casual stroll down memory lane, I came across Luke Skawalker's thank you list from their first 7". Courtney and I are thanked in Dave's liner notes! How awesome is that?

Ok, in case you missed it, Patrick, here is the close up of my name, which is right in the middle:

So, the real question is, will this get me any closer to humping the Stump? Will my liner note shout out by his formerly favorite idols give me any street cred with him? I wanna know!

Patrick, I know you don't date your fans, but come on, this has to get me at least a coffee date. Maybe a picnic? You don't even have to buy me a proper dinner. It's cool.

As a side note, Dave also wrote a song called "Anna Hates Me," because, well, I did for, like, a week one summer. That doin' anything for you, buddy?

[Photo swiped from the BBC]

Cobra Starship Indulge Me on "Guilty Pleasure"

I can't believe I've slept on this for TWO WEEKS.

Here is the new video for "Guilty Pleasure," by Cobra Starship. It stars Patrick Stump as their cheapo video director who insists that the band spend the entirety of their video budget on renting a Delorean. The rest of the video is shot in total low-budget mode to compensate for their outrageous expense. It is hysterical! I love it. Watch:

Really, how could I not love it? Patrick looks adorable, as always. Well, almost always. And, I love the whole aesthetic of a poorly made used-car commercial. This kind of thing has been done in the past, but these Starship boys (and girl) pull it off in a way that doesn't feel forced and seems genuinely light-hearted. Oh, and Ryland's outfit gave me a good belly laugh.

As for me, I'm down at the Shore with Ruthie and Joey. We are having a total blast soaking up the sun. I figured after my media blitz yesterday I could use a quick getaway. Ok, I'm off to go chillax.

Cobra Starship Brought It

And, by "it," I mean the Rock. Oh yes. Cobra Starship cranked up the noise in the most rock and roll band this side of the Rockies! They were in town doing a spot on MTVU's Campus Invasion tour along with All Time Low and Wyclef, among others. Even though the weather was unseasonably chilly, we didn't let it dampen our spirits.

Here, they play "The City is at War." If you've ever seen them live, you know that they always kick off their set with this one. It gets the crowd going. You can see why!

They keep things rolling with a rollickin' rendition of "Kiss My Sass."



In the part in the song that goes, "And I ain't gonna lie/ I can be a nasty guy," Gabe does this little hip swivel move that made me blush blush blush. Oh, and around 4:34 you can see Ryland point to us in the crowd. Jenna and I started jumping up and down and waving. We are such nerds.

Afterwards, we got to go backstage and drink some Jack and Cokes. There were candy bars and snacks strewn everywhere and I remarked that it felt like we were at a slumber party. I asked Gabe when the pillow fight was gonna happen and he cracked a smile. Here is a picture of Ryland with Jenna. Awww, how sweet!

I wanted to show 'em around Philly but they had to head back to New York as soon as the show was over. That's too bad because those boys look like they know how to party.

And, I would've loved to get Gabe on a dance floor with me. That kid's got some killer moves on him. I'd bet that he'd show me a thing or two about waggin' it. Wooo, Lordy!

Once that Jack started coursing through my veins, I worked up the courage to finally ask the band what it was like working with Patrick Stump on their last record. Ryland said that he was a genius and all-around great guy. Gabe nodded his head and said that he was awesome. They didn't seem to have any dirt on Patrick and I was feeling kinda creepy for even bringing it up so I left it at that.

I love those Cobra Starship kids and I can't wait to see 'em on the Warped Tour this summer. Jenna and I are gonna represent the over-25-and-still-mallpunkin' it crowd. I strongly encourage you to check our their latest album, Viva La Cobra, if you haven't already. I'm gonna blast it all summer.

Stumped on Stump's Dance Moves

So, Fall Out Boy just released an official video for their cover of Michael Jackson's "Beat It." I wasn't too thrilled about the song in the first place--I think it's a rather limp attempt overall and John Mayer is no Eddie Van Halen--but I'm always happy to see new output from my hometown heroes.

Imagine my SHOCK and HORROR to find my dearest Patrick writhing around onstage unsexily in this cluterfuck of a video. There are so many things wrong with this clip it's freaking me out. Here's a short list:

1. Abuse of flatirons
2. Abuse of guyliner
3. Abuse of wind machines
   
4. Abuse of my eardrums!

When Patrick tears his shirt open and humps the microphone it gave me douchechills. In short, this video is totally killing my boner for him. Nooooo!

Even a cameo by Arrested Development's Buster as a karate instructor can't save this trainwreck of a video from sucking major donkey nuts.

Patrick's awkward dancing is giving me flashbacks to Corey Feldman's laughable homage to the Gloved One in Dream a Little Dream.



Did we learn nothing from Corey's mistakes in that film? There is no way for a short, nerdy boy to look cool mimicking Jackson's herky-jerky moves. I just thank God that Patrick is too bald to fashion a greasy tendril the way Corey did. That would've been horrible. Shudder.

Patrick is going to have to do some serious damage control about this. Anyone who ever suggested that he wear a glovelette should be fired on the spot. In fact, Patrick, please send me pictures of you burning the thing, along with your crummy fedora hat and leather pants.

If you show up on my doorstep wearing glasses, sneakers and a hoodie, all will be forgiven.

Furthermore, if you show up on my doorstep hugging a koala and looking adorable, we can totally pretend like this thing never happened. I won't even playfully rib you about it when we stay in to cook dinner and get kinda tipsy on two bottles of Cab Sav.

I'll bury it so deep in my consciousness that I'll need therapy to unearth the memory. Cool?

The New Fall Out Boy CD/DVD Rules the Skool

Live albums, as a genre, can elevate a band's perception in the minds of their fans or it can dismantle it, one limp note at a time. By nature, live albums are indulgent and easy to write off as something geared towards superfans or discogrophy completists. But, every once in a while, a live album can compliment a bands output, showcase their talent and reposition them in a fun, fresh way.

In the case of Fall Out Boy's latest CD/DVD release, **** Live in Phoenix, this disc propels them into a new stratosphere for both new and old fans alike. In addition to a live audio CD from their stop on the Honda Civic tour in June 2007, we get a DVD which features a video of the same performance as well as eight of their music videos and a hilarious compilation of their backstage antics.

They start the party with a competent version of "Thriller," the same track that opens their studio album, Infinity on High. Lead singer Patrick Stump commands the stage, with his vocals tumbling through the scale like a short, chubby, bespectacled Christina Aguilera. For a suburban Chicago kid, he's definitely got some soul going on and the way he effortlessly sings these mini-runs proves it. Here they are playing "Sugar, We're Going Down" from the disc:

Buried underneath the hood of his sweatshirt, bassist Pete Wentz is the schmoozer of the show, engaging the crowd with between-song stage banter and contributing the occasional hardcore-tinged growl underneath Stump's singing. He swings his bass around like it's on fire. Guitarist Joe Trohman spins himself into a tizzy like a madman, jumping off amps and running the length of the stage. Drummer Andy Hurley pounds his drums like his life depends on it.

They tear through all of their hits, to the delight of the crowd. "Thanks for the Memories," "This Ain't A Scene," "Dance, Dance;" it's all in here. In particular, "Hum Hallelujah" is a highlight, with the live version nearly matching the majesty of the recorded one. The show ends with their early hit, "Saturday." The crowd goes wild, singing along word for word.

Also included on the CD is a studio recorded version of Michael Jackson's "Beat It," with John Mayer chiming in on lead guitar. It's adequate, but not essential.

The highlight of the DVD is the backstage footage of the band filmed over the course of a tour last summer. I liked following Patrick onto his tour bus as he shows us all the equipment he tinkers with.

But, for the most part, Wentz's hijinks account for the bulk of the clips. We watch him straight up humiliate their roadie, who is appropriately nicknamed Dirty. Wentz whips T-shirts at him, blasts him with ice cream, and generally causes a ruckus in their dressing rooms all at the expense of Dirty. And, Dirty, for his part, seems happy to play the court jester. Their antics are genuinely entertaining and has all the goofiness of a schoolyard romp. Oh, and Pete's story about how he had to fly all by himself at the tender age of 8 had me holding my sides in laughter.

As a package, the live CD stands up on its own and is a fun listen, but coupled with their video footage and music videos, these boys have hit a home run.

Here Are a Few of My Favorite Things

In no particular order:

1. Internet Superstar. I enjoyed Martin Sargent when he hosted the Revision3 podcast, Web Drifter. Now, he's back with this new-ish video podcast where he spotlights the craziest people and trends kicking around the Web. He has a fast-talking hillbilly sidekick, Gator, who consistently tickles my funny bone. I love these guys!

However, they constantly allude to their scant viewership. What gives? These guys are hella funny and I can't believe that they haven't skyrocketed to superstardom. Keep up the good work, fellas. Here is a clip of them saluting fat kids getting hurt:

2. Patrickstump.com. My favorite singer of my favorite band, Patrick Stump, has his own Web site to communicate with his fans directly about the status of his various projects. Yay for us. I love how he writes his own posts, complete with typos. He is so self-depreciating it's ridiculous. Reading his self-penned news updates is tied with youtubing his fan-compiled tribute clips as one of the creepier things I do. Jenna can testify to this. Cringe!

[Confidential to Courtney: The more I look at this guy, the more I think he looks like Liz Kramps, which is freaking me out. I'm like, "Didn't I go with you in your parents' stationwagon to a Pietasters show at the Fireside circa 1996?" Weird!]

3. The cajun-spiced blackened green beans at the Grace Tavern. Rob took me there tonight because this bar is in his new 'hood. We jammed on these, hard. They were spicy and crisp and finally shut me up for a few minutes while I chomped on 'em. I hadn't seen Rob in a week and I've been so sad since he moved away from me (boo!) so when I saw him tonight it was basically a stream of updates about nonsense. I was so happy to have him near me, I couldn't shut up. Love that guy. Love those green beans.

4. Graduating school in three weeks. I can't believe that school is winding down already. I chose to forgo the graduation ceremony and will just have my diploma mailed to me. It's anti-climactic, I know, but I was never one for formal functions. I thought that I would want to have a big graduation party, but I just had my birthday three weeks ago and frankly, I think people might be sick of celebrating me. Anyways, I'm thrilled to move on to the next chapter, whatever it may be.

5. Naps. I freakin' love a good nap. I took one this afternoon and it was lovely. My window was open and I was all curled up on my bed (over the covers) as the breeze pushed around my curtains and made me just chilly enough to snuggle into my pillow. Naps rock.

Alright, This Is Making Me Homesick for Chicago

So, I wanted to see if there were any clips for the Fall Out Boy DVD being released tomorrow and I came upon this segment the boys did for FUSE a while ago right before they got really big. The camera tags along as they give a tour of their hometown in Chicago. This is really sentimental for me because they take us to a few of my hometown landmarks: Homer's, Old Orchard Mall and the Metro. Take a look:

Homer's is a greasy burger joint/ ice cream parlor that I used to go to after school events when I was in eighth grade. It is, literally, a three minute drive from my old house. They show a few shots of the streets in the background and I can't believe how much it's making me miss living there.

And, I remember going on my first date to the movie theater at Old Orchard Mall. We saw Billy Madison. [Confidential to Courtney: this is also the movie theater where I saw that one Austin Powers movie with Fat Bastard in it on a date with FGFF. It was...awkward.]

I used to go to punk shows at the Metro, back in the day. In the clip, they show the band backstage where I remember scribbling some graffiti with a sharpie this one time. The entire wall was covered with stickers and scratches so it wasn't a big deal. But I remember pissing C.J. off because he was afraid that we were going to get caught and ejected. I waved his fears off with a shrug. I think I just wrote the number for the Punk Hotline, which I did at the time, and something like, "Anna Banana Rules!" Yeah, I'm sure security would have no idea who did the tag. What can I say? I was an idiot.

This clip is making me seriously homesick. I talked to Courtney yesterday and I told her that I want to come back to visit soon and after watching this, my resolve is stronger than ever. Let's do this, Chicago!

P.S. It's funny how they take a dig at John Mayer in the clip and now he guests on the cover of "Beat It" that was just released. Zing!

Stump to Star in L&O

This is breaking news, folks. Zap up some microwave popcorn, because Patrick is flexing his acting chops! Yes, it is true. My beloved Fall Out Boy frontman, Patrick Stump, will star in an episode of Law and Order. He plays an office worker dude named Marty accused of a kidnapping. Look how cute he is! Don't you just want to reach through this picture and squeeze him? Swoon.

According to the article, Stump has "two key scenes in the interrogation room." Niiiice. I'd like to see him work up a nervous sweat. I bet that's what he'd look like on a first date. I may never know!

The episode is slated to air on January 2 and you can bet that I will have front row seats to this blockbuster. I might even go to my parents' house to watch it on their huge TV since mine is old-school with rabbit ear antennas that are fussy and unpredictable. I want to see this in perfect, cable TV-ed, pixelated, widescreened glory. If this is how my 2008 is gonna start, then all I can say is "Fuck Yeah!"