So, Fall Out Boy just released an official video for their cover of Michael Jackson's "Beat It." I wasn't too thrilled about the song in the first place--I think it's a rather limp attempt overall and John Mayer is no Eddie Van Halen--but I'm always happy to see new output from my hometown heroes.
Imagine my SHOCK and HORROR to find my dearest Patrick writhing around onstage unsexily in this cluterfuck of a video. There are so many things wrong with this clip it's freaking me out. Here's a short list:
- Abuse of flatirons
- Abuse of guyliner
- Abuse of wind machines
- Abuse of my eardrums!
Even a cameo by Arrested Development's Buster as a karate instructor can't save this trainwreck of a video from sucking major donkey nuts.
Patrick's awkward dancing is giving me flashbacks to Corey Feldman's laughable homage to the Gloved One in Dream a Little Dream.
Did we learn nothing from Corey's mistakes in that film? There is no way for a short, nerdy boy to look cool mimicking Jackson's herky-jerky moves. I just thank God that Patrick is too bald to fashion a greasy tendril the way Corey did. That would've been horrible. Shudder.
Patrick is going to have to do some serious damage control about this. Anyone who ever suggested that he wear a glovelette should be fired on the spot. In fact, Patrick, please send me pictures of you burning the thing, along with your crummy fedora hat and leather pants.If you show up on my doorstep wearing glasses, sneakers and a hoodie, all will be forgiven.
Furthermore, if you show up on my doorstep hugging a koala and looking adorable, we can totally pretend like this thing never happened. I won't even playfully rib you about it when we stay in to cook dinner and get kinda tipsy on two bottles of Cab Sav.
I'll bury it so deep in my consciousness that I'll need therapy to unearth the memory. Cool?
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